Unlodging the Thorn

I have spent much time doing the personal work of revisiting my past, painful experiences. Until that honest effort, I falsely believed that the past was in the past.

I learned that our experiences teach us how to think and behave. And, although the circumstances may be in the past, we often continue to cope with them in the present by repeating the same pattern of thoughts/behaviors that helped us manage through. These help us avoid bumping into old hurts—long-embedded thorns—because they still cause pain.

Yes, some of these learned thoughts and behaviors are timeless. But others, while helpful at one time, no longer serve us. (Think of a coat as a learned thought/behavior. Wearing a coat is helpful when the weather is cold, but continuing to wear it in the summer is limiting.)

It’s when we realize that we are applying adaptive thoughts/behaviors to old realities that we find opportunities for growth.

My personal work made me confront my battle with self-worth. I believed that by keeping myself down, others would be more apt to accept me. While that may have been true at one time, it was an outdated belief—one that was sabotaging my best efforts to flourish. I’d allowed my inner critic a privileged place in my mind because I thought it would help me avoid failure. It said, “Who do you think you are? You don’t know what you are doing/saying/talking about. You are an imposter. Not worthy of goodness. Your good must come with a caveat, otherwise, you don’t deserve it. You will fail if you don’t watch yourself.”

Thankfully, a wise teacher intuited my personal torture and recited Marianne Williamson’s words: “Your being small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory that is within us. And as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

These were important words for me. I recognized that while my intended goal of negative self-talk was to keep harmony in my environment, I was actually disrupting harmony with my low self-worth. My technique wasn’t serving me any longer.

What could happen if I stopped talking harshly to myself?

Knowing that Grace is my being and my highest fulfillment, I shouldn’t be surprised when I am provided the gifts of opportunity to express fully. And, yet, I am profoundly grateful. Not surprised to be grateful, but deeply grateful nevertheless. My life’s journey has helped me break into bigger ways of living.

I always wondered what people meant when they said: “God can only do for you, what you allow it to do through you.” Now I understand. I have expanded my experience of living through an autobiography of cleansing.